Here is an excerpt from a conversation I had with my mother last night...
Context: "Motumbe" is the name she gave to a paper mache (....how do you spell that...?) mask I made in grade school that she still has and loves very, very much in that way mothers love crappy art you did as a kid like no one else does.
Me: :says something charmingly insulting:
Her: Keep messing with me and Motumbe will shrink your head! Like that character in Beetlejuice.
Me: Oh, that's nice...you're going to let Motumbe hurt your child, whom you swear you never want to be hurt?
Her: He's not going to hurt you...just shrink your head.
Me: Well if he does it like the guy in Beetlejuice, not only will he hurt me, I'll be dead.
Her: You won't be dead! You'll just have a tiny head!
Me: .....Ma, the guy in Beetlejuice with the shrunken head? He was dead. That's why he was in the waiting room...
Her: He wasn't dead!....was he?
Me: .....YES, MA!
Her: Was he really?!
Me: YES! They all were! All the weird monster people were dead! That was sort of the whole POINT of the movie!
Her: (pause) ....Even Beetlejuice?
Me: ESPECIALLY Beetlejuice!
Her: Really?! Well I totally missed that! I had no idea!
Me: -_- (sighs)
Her: I'm going to have to rewatch that movie...I never got that.
You guys? My mom has seen Beetlejuice AT LEAST twenty times...and she wasn't aware it was a movie about dead people. I...I just don't even, you guys.
Three wild turkeys walking down the street.
The fucking Tim Burton BATMOBILE.
These are three things I have seen when I have looked out of the windows of my house. The last one being not ten minutes ago.
What *WORLD* am I in?!
So I'm sitting here watching an old episode of Charmed...one of the Paige ones (which, see title...I don't like Paige, I never did, I never will, she is a poor replacement for my beloved Prue...) and for some reason Paige is a redhead in this.
Now I've always thought Rose McGowan is pretty (which reminds me, I should watch Jawbreaker...frickin' love that movie), but for some reason at whatever angle they shot her in this scene she looks EXACTLY like Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan *NOW*.
Poor Rose. Granted...if you've seen Rose McGowan recently...oof.
A phone exchange that occurred not five minutes ago.
Me: -_- Yes?
Telemarketer: Am I speaking to the owner of this number?
Telemarketer: Well sir I'm (mumbles name) from (mumbles company name...I honestly missed them both). Do you own a computer, sir?
Telemarketer: Well sir, our system shows that your computer has errors and--
Me: If your system shows my computer has errors, then why did you have to ask if I owned a computer?
Me: Let me tell you why; because the business model of WHATEVER it is you guys are attempting to do is to try and scare computer illiterate people into buying whatever you're selling by throwing technical mumbo-jumbo at them, assuming they're too stupid to argue with you because you use words like "system" and "errors".
Telemarketer: (brief shocked pause) Well...sir...
Me: Here, let me make this faster for you. (hangs up)
Someday people will learn what a mistake it is to treat me like I'm stupid...even if it's an accident...
Contrary to popular belief, gay as I am, I don't hate homophobes. It's more that I don't understand them.
I was reading an article a minute ago about a Japanese 3DS game called "Tomodatchi Collection: New Life" which contains some buggy code that allows for male same-sex couples to get married and have children (lesbians are not allowed, even with the buggy coding) and Nintendo has released a statement that they're going to release a patch that fixes this issue.
As expected, a lot of people have stated they won't download said patch in support of marriage equality.
Reading this article called to mind something I read a while back, roundabouts when Mass Effect 3 was coming out and it was revealed that you could make Sheppard go totally gay for Kaiden or some of the other male characters (I haven't played far enough into the game to know any of their names). There were several commenters (yes, I broke the cardinal rule of reading the bottom 2/3 of the internets) who were just APPALLED at this turn of events! Why would they want their manly-ass Commander Sheppard to be a gay-spaceman! That's wrong and gross and no!
I noted then that no one was really all that bothered about how FemShep could scissor any blue chick she wanted at any time throughout the series...how very telling, but I digress.
BioWare (the company that makes Mass Effect) has run into this idiotic train of thought before, particularly in the case of their other front-runner title Dragon Age. In Dragon Age: Origins there are four romance options; one male and one female exclusively straight options, and one male and one female bisexual options. In Dragon Age 2, there were another four and they were ALL flexible (there is a fifth in the DLC character Sebastian, the only exclusively straight character available for romance), and oh dear the amount of complaining.
Here's where the "I don't understand" bit comes in, and it is in the title of these characters: Romance Options. As in "you are NOT required to perform this action in any way shape or form". Indeed you can easily make it through the ENTIRE game without romancing a SINGLE character, male or female, straight or gay.
Why are you all so butthurt? Why are you complaining? No one said you HAD to fuck a dude in-game...it's not a major plot point, it's not required, you can skip it. No one is FORCING you to be gay! No one's even ASKING! For those of us who are and want our characters to be we can if we want...but y'know what we DON'T do? We don't complain (and haven't for the MANY years that video games have been chugging out of Japanese factories) NEARLY as much when we are forced to be straight.
I played quite happily through Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age: Origins knowing I couldn't romance the characters I was more interested in (because who doesn't just adore Alistair? Straight or gay, that's an awesome dude right there, you have to admit it) and it didn't bother me in the slightest. Second playthrough as a female character pretty much covered that situation anyways.
Why do they *care* so much? To put it on a larger, global, political scale (which you guys know rarely do), it's like gay marriage. Why are you so upset if I wanna get gay married? You do realize YOU don't have to have one as well, right? Like...it's not a requirement...
Don't watch gay tv shows, don't listen to gay musicians, don't watch gay movies, don't play as gay video game characters...all of these things are options completely within your control! You don't *have* to do it and you don't *have* to complain that it exists. If it bothers you THAT much, it's not *for* you in the first place!
If we can live in an almost entirely straight-exclusive/inclusive world and be fine with it then when we carve out our tiny little niches, you can shut up about it. How about that?
I make it a habit to always keep mints or gum on my person (you never know when you shall be invited to an impromptu smooching session). I have recently taken a liking to Excel mints. I had a tin (they come in tins...like Altoids and that makes me giddy) of the green Spearmint ones, but then decided to give the blue Winterfresh ones a try.
Yes, there is a point to this. Shuddup, I'm getting there.
When the Spearmint ones were almost out, I opened the Winterfresh ones and put the very last Spearmint into the Winterfresh tin. Suddenly it became a weird game I was playing against myself to see what would happen. How many times could I randomly reach into the tin and grab a blue one and not the final green one.
My chances were 1 in 50, but I figured, it being so close to the top, that it would happen.
But nope. He's still in there. I have named him Little Green and he's a fucking trooper! Little Green shall not be taken! He will not suffer the fate of his 48 fallen brethren!
I even started trying to stack the deck against Little Green. I would shake the tin to try and maybe randomly kick him into the position of being snatched up...but no. Little Green sees through my little tricks. He laughs in the face of danger.
I'm so impressed by his tenacity that when I DO snag him, I'm only going to put him in my second tin of mints and start the dance all over.
I salute you Little Green. You are a mint amongst hard candies.
(Imagine being the lucky son of a bitch who has to live with the guy wrapped around THIS brain...)
Me: Y'know, that's something I could never do...date a cop.
Den: Yeah, I know. I could never date someone who's job put them in the face of danger.
Den: (deadpan) So Darkwing Duck is completely out.
Me: (laughs uncontrollably for three minutes)
Exchange that occurred in the living room as I sat and watched Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.
Me: (looks up from book as the movie nears it's end. I often read while I watch tv. It's called "multitasking". Look it up!) Ugh. This is why this movie is the worst one. River of toxic waste under New York City. Honestly.
Chris: ........that happens?
Me: What? Wait...are...are you asking me if there is a river of toxic waste that flows under New York City?
Me: (beat, flatly) No.
He's not a stupid man (I have to tell myself that in order to stave off the crippling depression of the opposite being true), but sometimes he asks me things with such...innocent sincerity, I can't even make jokes.
It would be like kicking a puppy.